So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!