My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Oh the world we live in…
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
*me flirting