I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
You Might Also Like
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala