Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
You Might Also Like
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.