When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Customize Your Wedding.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide