Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
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[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
my nickname in college
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
fourth time’s the charm
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.