Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Damn what did I do next
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles