You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
we all know this pain all too well
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost