Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away