My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“what that mouth do?” complain
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Lmao 🤣
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.