It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
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there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?