I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
The best plant holders?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok