Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
The Wolf of Wall Street.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?