if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Worst Native American name ever.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.