The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?