My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
A ghost story
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
cyclists
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.