One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
What the hell happened in there??
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat