why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Customize Your Wedding.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
english majors be like furthermore
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel