A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Had an epiphany today.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.