You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
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#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person