Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Good morning.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.