“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
12. I think about this all the damn time
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here