My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
You Might Also Like
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
This is sending me to another galaxy
won’t smith
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫