15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
You Might Also Like
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
12. I think about this all the damn time
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
man i love columbo
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!