If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
that colleague who touches your screen
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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