They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Good boy 😂😂
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
not for long
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: Just act casual
Me:
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.