The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
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My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The Assassin.
These aliens are taking forever.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
#JohnTravolta
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what