The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
You Might Also Like
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
The Punning Dead.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.