Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun