Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
never ask a starfish for directions
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Canadian owl: Eh?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
starting a garage orchestra
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”