WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Love it! 👍😂
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I falcon love using swear birds
Breaking news:
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.