ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?