God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
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2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
こいつ天才
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit