Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
(2022)
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”