Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Human are so complicated