just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.