I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The Book. The Movie.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related