“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.