Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?