“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
live long and prosper!
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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