teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!