If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen