Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
the chicken was already gone when I got here
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.