The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
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Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
❤️🦆
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss