Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
You Might Also Like
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Body by Oreos
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?