My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
You Might Also Like
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this