Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
You Might Also Like
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on