professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Who did it better?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8