They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
my dad has had enough
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.