My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic